


The Book of Revelations

by LowLove



Category: Shall We Date?: Obey Me!
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, MC's name is Yuki, Mention of Character Death, Nightmares, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Self-Hatred, Slurs, Spoilers, They Find Out, Transphobia, Trauma, Violent Thoughts, Yuki's been through shit, and he tries to hide how fucked up he in from the brothers, but guess what, he is ftm, he probably has PTSD, religious trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:41:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28234851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LowLove/pseuds/LowLove
Summary: Yuki is known for being kind, sweet, and caring. He loves the Demon Brothers, and he knows they love him. Yet Yuki knows that's only because they don't know what's inside him, the thoughts, the fantasies, the nightmares. If they knew, they would never love him again, but it's getting harder and harder to handle. That doesn't matter though. Yuki has to handle it, he will handle it. He will keep the beast inside of him caged at all costs. He will not lose control.(Spoiler alert: he loses control)This is mostly just me fleshing out Yuki's backstory and issues that hinders his relationships with the brothers and other characters. Lots of religious themes and trauma relating to religion. Some of it is loosely based of my own experiences as a trans man, but I also did a lot of 'what ifs' of what my life could have been. So, Yuki is a self insert character with the religious trauma cranked up to the max.
Relationships: Asmodeus (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!)/Original Character(s), Beelzebub (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!)/Original Character(s), Belphegor (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!)/Original Character(s), Levi | Leviathan/Original Character(s), Lucifer (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!)/Original Character(s), Mammon (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!)/Original Character(s), Satan (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!)/Original Character(s)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 45





	1. Prophecy

**Author's Note:**

> Yuki is FTM and uses he/him pronouns. Also yes he is a Southern boy  
> This takes place sometime after Yuki comes back after his first year in Devildom
> 
> (This is technically all pre-relationship with Yuki and the brothers. They eventually end up in a polyamorous relationship where Yuki dates them all but this is before that.)

**Asmodeus**

"I can't deciiiiide"

"Which outfit should I go for?"

-image-

-image-

-image-

"I want to go somewhere fun tonight"

"Going to get myself a date ;)"

**Beelzebub**

"The one with strawberries"

**Mammon**  
"Ya just saying that cause it's the only one with food on it"

  
**Yuki**

"I like the strawberry one too!"

"It's cute :)"

"I think you should wear it with the hat in the third picture"

**Satan**

"I doubt 'cute' is the only look Asmo is going for tonight"

**Lucifer**

"You are not bringing anyone home"

**Asmodeus**

">:("

"Well I don't need to be here to have fun"

**Leviathan**

"Ew!"

"Gross!!!"

**Belphegor**

"Shut up"

"I'm trying to sleep"

**Mammon**

"Then put it on silent!"

**Asmodeus**

"Why do I even ask you guys?"

"None of you have fashion sense"

"Except Yuki. I have to agree the hat is the right addition"

Yuki

":D"

"I wish I had your confidence, Asmo"

"I don't know if I could ever wear outfits like that"

"You wear it so well!"

**Asmodeus**

"Aw thank you Sweetheart"

"But I'm know you'd look adorable in anything"

"What kind of outfits do you wear on dates anyway?"

**Mammon**

"It's cuter than whatever you wear I bet"

**Yuki**

"Oh um, well"

"Technically, I've never been on an actual date so"

**Asmodeus**

"Yuki"

"ARE YOU SERIOUS?!"

**Mammon**

"NEVER?!"

"EVEN LEVI'S BEEN ON A DATE!!"

**Leviathan**

"HEY"

"It was tricked to hang out with a normie!"

"And it wasn't a date!"

**Beelzebub**

"No one ever took you out to eat, Yuki?"

**Belphegor**

"Huh"

**Satan**

"You aren't the shy type either, so it is hard to believe"

**Lucifer**

"What do you mean by technically, Yuki?"

**Yuki**

"I've tried to"

"I just"

**Asmodeus**

"Yuki"

"We're going on a date"

**Yuki**

"What?"

**Mammon**

"Oh no you don't!"

"I'm taking Yuki out on a date!"

"But just because he hasn't been on one yet!"

"I mean, as his first it's my responsibility"

**Satan**

"Is that what you're going with, Mammon?"

"I doubt he would enjoy whatever dates you'd plan for him"

"Allow me to take you on a date, Yuki"

**Yuki**

"Y'all"

**Belphegor**

"Why even go out anyway?"

**Leviathan**

"Exactly, I have plenty of manga and video games in my room"

**Belphegor**

"I was gonna suggest a nap"

**Yuki**

"Calm down for a second"

**Lucifer**

"Ignore them, Yuki."

"I'll take you on a proper date."

**Mammon**

"Not you too!"

**Lucifer**

"Do you have a problem with that?"

**Yuki**

"Oh for"

"Y'all please"

**Beelzebub**

"We should just let Yuki decide"

"We're all willing, so Yuki should get to choose"

**Asmodeus**

":("

"But..."

**Mammon**

"Choose me!"

**Leviathan**

"Like that would ever happen"

**Yuki**

"Let's just"

"Pretend this conversation never happened"

**Belphegor**

"What?"

**Asmodeus**

"Oh Honey, feeling flustered for once?"

**Lucifer**

"Asmo"

**Yuki**

"That's enough"

**Mammon**

"Yeah right, Asmo!"

"Yuki wouldn't go out with you!"

**Asmodeus**

"And you think you have a chance?"

**Satan**

"Out of all of us, you have the lowest chance with Yuki"

**Leviathan**

"Yeah lolol"

**Yuki**

"I'm not playing this game"

**Belphegor**

"Game?"

**Beelzebub**

"You okay, Yuki?"

**Yuki**

"No"

"I'm done"

"Fuck y'all"

**Leviathan**

"Yuki?!"

**Asmodeus**

"Now you've upset him, Mammon!"

"You should've just let me take him out instead of arguing!"

**Mammon**

"HEY!" 

"Don't go blaming me!"

**Satan**

"Yuki?"

"I'm well aware he doesn't like to see us argue, though he's never reacted like this before" 

**Beelzebub**

"Are you having a bad day, Yuki?"

"Are you hungry?"

**Belphegor**

"I don't think it's that last one, Beel"

Yuki tosses his D.D.D. onto his mattress and gets up, ignoring the numerous pings that follow. Not now. He just- he can't. He rubs his face and sighs, looking around his room for something else to occupy him. He drops to his knees and feels around under his bed for a box, snatching it once he finds it. He pulls off the top at stares blankly at the small collection of snacks in front of him. No, not in the mood for that, or that, or any of this really. Is Yuki even in the mood to eat right now? More notifications try to grab his attention, but again Yuki ignores them. Maybe he should read something. He stuffs the box back into its hiding place and and ventures over to he table across the room. He pulls out one of the chairs and sits in it as he carefully digs out the book he wants from the pile to his side. He opens it up to where he left off. His eyes follow the lines of text, but his mind refuses to focus and read it. Another notification. Yuki should just start the paragraph over, just try again. Another ping. He groans. Nope, his brain won't let him. He should just silence it. He's trying to avoid it anyway- And there goes his ringtone. He shuts his book and stands. 

Yuki is about to silence his D.D.D., but he sees Lucifer's name on the screen. He doesn't want to answer it, but he fears Lucifer may come see him in person if he doesn't. He can't see anyone right now, so he taps the green button and holds it to his ear. "Hey."

  
"Yuki," Lucifer's voice remains as serious as ever, but there is a hint of worry he's trying to bury. "Are you all right?"

  
"Yeah. I'm fine, I just-" He sighs. "I'm not in the mood to deal with this kind of thing. At least, not about that subject."

Lucifer remains silent for a moment, contemplating, but then he speaks, "I can forbid them from discussing such topics with you, if you wish. I assume asking about certain personal matters makes you uncomfortable, and I cannot say I blame you."

  
"Nah, you don't need to do that. I'll be fine, but thank you for looking out for me, Lucifer. I appreciate it. "

\-- -- -- -- 

  
< It's Yuki's turn to cook, but, having scanned over the kitchen inventory, he may not have all the ingredients he was planning for. Hell, half of what he can find he doesn't think he can eat and live. Scavengers here and there have had their pickings, but at least Beel hasn't cleared out the fridge. Ah, speak of the devil, here comes Beel wandering in. 

  
"It's gonna be an hour and some before dinner is ready." Yuki states bluntly.

  
"I know, but I'm hungry." Beel's stomach grumbles following his response. 

  
Yuki's tired face softens when he sees Beel's somber expression. "Here. Let me grab you a snack, so you don't eat something I need to use." Beel beams at his words. Yuki has actually been wanting to try something with Beel, and this seems like a good opportunity. He's been able to find the Devildom equivalents to a lot of foods, but it took him way too long to find the equivalent of peanut butter. He swears he's not an idiot. He just didn't have to survive off peanut butter and jelly sandwiches while here, nor did he have dogs to trick into taking their pills. Once he finds the jar, he slides it to Beel and then hunts for a proper spoon in a drawer full of unsorted silverware. Luckily, it doesn't take long before Beel starts shoving spoonfuls into his mouth. 

Beel gives a muffled, "Thank you." And then swallows before continuing. "Are you hungry at all? I can share."

"Ah, no thanks, Beel." Yuki smiles at the offer as he pulls out two large pots from the cupboard. "I'm saving room for later, but that's very kind of you." 

"Oh, okay." Beel devours another spoonful. "How are you feeling, Yuki?"

Yuki pauses for a moment, the water from the sink continuing to fill the pot he's holding. "I'm fine. Why do you ask?" He shuts off the water when he focuses again. 

"You were upset earlier." 

Yuki sets the first pot onto the stove and begins to fill the other. "I was, but I've calmed down now."

"So you aren't upset anymore?"

"Not really, no." Yuki turns to face Beel and chuckles as he see Beel licking the spoon clean. "It's times like this you remind me of a little puppy."

Beel's eyes widen slightly and the edges of his cheeks flush with a soft pink. "'Little puppy?'"

"Though I guess you're a big puppy." Yuki flicks the heat on for the water to start boiling. 

Beel smiles as he hums around the spoon, having finished off the jar. He jumps a bit when a door slams behind him. Someone enters.

"There ya are, Human!" Mammon shouts, bursting into the kitchen. "What the hell ya up to? Ain't ya usually playing something in the music room?"

"Got cooking duty." Yuki answers as he starts pulling ingredients from the fridge. 

"Oh? I'm helping!" Mammon picks up one of the containers.

"'Ey! No you don't!" Yuki whacks his hand. "Mitts off the mushrooms!"

"What?!" Mammon whines. "Why not?"

"Because too many cooks spoil the pot. Now give!" Yuki reaches for the container, but Mammon holds it over his head, making Yuki jump to even get his finger tips to touch it.

"Here I am trying to be nice to ya! And what do I get?" Mammon uses his free hand to push Yuki's face away from him. "Sass from some walking cotton candy!"

The container is pulled out of his grip by Beel, who hands it back to Yuki. 

"Thank you." Yuki smiles at Beel, sticks his tongue out at Mammon (who returns the gesture), and sets the container back onto the counter.

"Can I help?" Beel asks.

"Really? Right after I asked?" Mammon frowns. "Ya think he's gonna say yes to ya, huh?"

Yuki stares at the two.

Mammon's hands fly into the air. "Ya can't be serious!"

Sighing, Yuki curses to himself. "Okay, okay, you know what, sure. Mammon, Beel, I got a sauce recipe my dad sent me. Can I trust y'all with it?"

"Of course!" Mammon gleams while Beel nods silently. 

"Here lemme just-" Yuki pulls his D.D.D. from his pocket, pulls up a photo, and hands it to Beel. "I edited it a bit with some substitutions that we should have. Shouldn't be too difficult."

Mammon snatches the D.D.D.. "I got this! Beel can just uh- Don't need ya here."

"Yuki handed it to me." Beel objects.

"Can we even trust ya to not eat everything?"

"Y'all!" Yuki crosses his arms, glaring at the two. "There's a reason I want both of you on one task. Y'all mean well but have a tendency to make certain mistakes. Mammon, you watch Beel and make sure he doesn't eat the ingredients. Beel, you watch Mammon and make sure he doesn't add anything not on the recipe."

"Oh, that makes sense." Beel nods.

"I don't need Beel watching me! I'm the older brother here, I'll watch him just fine." Mammon grumbles. 

"Mammon," Yuki gives his shoulder a pat. "Like I said, you mean well, but sometimes it doesn't work out how you want."

"What? Ya think I'm stupid?" Mammon pouts.

"No, no. I don't think you're stupid. Just- you don't think before you act sometimes. Intelligence is different than impulsiveness. I mean, who is the first person I go to when I want help with my math homework?"

"Me, of course!" Mammon smirks. "I am the Great Mammon after all. Who wouldn't want my help?" 

"Well, O Great Mammon, could you please turn around and keep Beel from drooling and devouring the ingredients." 

Mammon whips his head around and curses as he sees Beel bite into a tomato he picked up from the cutting board. "Ey! Beel stop that!" 

Yuki chuckles softly and then continues his cooking. He sets a pan a pan on one of the free burners and opens the large container, looks like the meat marinated well. He digs around for another cutting board, dices the soaked meat, and throws it into the pan. Once the water beings to boil, he puts the pasta in, pretending to not be aware of the conversation happening just a couple feet away. 

"What's that?" Beel leans over Mammon. 

"Wha- Nothing! I got nothing!" Mammon squeaks, trying to hide what's in his hands. 

Please let this be a normal dinner. 

\-- -- -- --

"Mammon, keep Beel from eating everything before everyone else gets here." Yuki sets the last bowl on the dining table. 

"Well tell everyone else to hurry up!" Mammon tries to keep Beel from taking the entire bowl. 

"Good luck with that." Satan sighs as he walks into the dining room. "Though I am impressed with how much he hasn't devoured yet. I know he can be frustrating to cook with."

Yuki shrugs. "Meh, he isn't that bad. He's a sweetheart and as long as everyone gets a serving I'm happy. After that though you guys can fight over the leftovers." 

The rest of the brothers file in and everyone sits in their respective seats. It doesn't take long for the usual chaos to start. Beel steals food from Levi yet again, Asmo is hounding Mammon about his missing perfume, and Belphie and Satan tease Lucifer about his recent outing with Diavalo. Yuki butts into each conversation, giving some of his own food to Levi, telling Mammon to pay Asmo for how much the perfume cost, and somehow convincing Satan and Belphie to leave Lucifer be for the rest of dinner. But, that doesn't mean the chaos stopped. 

Asmo leans closer to Yuki, chin resting on his hand. "You know I can't believe it right." 

"Pardon?" Yuki turns to him, finishing what he was chewing. 

"The fact you've never been on a date, Darling." Asmo pouts. "You're so cute, almost as cute as me. It can't be possible."

Sudden laughter erupts from Yuki, and everyone else at the table turns silent at his sudden outburst. When he notices everyone staring at him, he coughs into his hand, quieting himself down. "Sorry, I just- Asmo said something funny." 

"Of course his jokes land." Levi grumbles inaudibly. 

Mammon frowns. "What the hell ya joking about, Asmo?" 

The concern on Asmo's face grows. "I wasn't making a joke."

Satan shares that concern. "Yuki, I heard what Asmo said. How was that funny?"

Yuki chuckles softly. "I mean, it's pretty obvious. You don't have to play dumb for my sake." 

"Wait. What's going on?" Belphie mutters, groggy as he rubs his eye. Beel shrugs in response. 

"Yeah. What are ya even talkin' about?" Mammon groans. 

Satan sighs. "The fact Yuki has never been on a date."

"Not like it's a big deal." Levi mumbles.

"Oh Darling." Asmo rests his hand on Yuki's shoulder. "You know you can share anything with us."

Yuki raises an eyebrow. "I- What is there to even share?"

"Do not make Yuki uncomfortable." Lucifer glares at Asmo. 

"I'm just offering a shoulder to cry on." Asmo's pout turns into a flirtatious smirk. "And well, anything else he may need."

"Ey! Oh no you don't!" Mammon growls at his brother. 

"Okay. Okay! Just-" Yuki puts his hands up. "Mammon, calm down. Asmo, Satan, I am perfectly fine and I have no idea why you're so worried." 

"I'm not surprised." Belphie shrugs. "Yuki's never shown any interest." 

Beel hums in agreement. 

"But this is Yuki!" Asmo whines. "He's such a sweetheart! It doesn't make any sense!"

Satan rubs his chin. "To think, our Yuki has never been on a date, and I doubt he has ever kissed anyone." 

"Oh nah, I've kissed someone before." Yuki states bluntly. The brothers all stare at him, but Yuki pays them no mind as he stabs another piece of food with his fork and brings it to his mouth. 

"Wait, what!?" Mammon shrieks and then tries playing it off as if he didn't. "I uh- Not like I care or anything, but I- Well, you're such a nerd, so it's hard to believe."

"Very charming, Mammon." Satan groans.

"Lol tsundere." Levi giggles and Mammon grumbles at him in response.

"Oh Yuki!" Asmo squeals a bit. "You have to tell me!"

"Do not feel like you must tell everyone. You owe them nothing, Yuki." Lucifer takes a sip from his drink.

Belphie chuckles. "We all know you want to hear it too."

"I think we all want to." Beel says.

Yuki rests his chin on his free hand. "Well, when I was younger, this girl sat next to me in class. It was my last year of elementary I think, I was like nine or ten. I'd help her with homework a lot after school; I thought we had something. The school year was about to end, she was going to move away, and by then I had a bit of a crush on her. We only had a couple weeks left, so I went fuck it and kissed her before she went home one day."

"And she rejected you?" Asmo frowns. 

"Ha! More than that. She decked me in the face!" Yuki laughs loudly. "And she said something like, 'That was my first kiss you dyke!' Mind you this was before I transitioned. She was furious with me, made me promise to not tell anyone or ever talk to her again because her family would kill the both of us if I did. Told my dad I got hit in the face by a stray ball after school when he picked me up. My shirt was fucking ruined with blood, but eh, I should've expected it." Yuki has to cover his mouth to muffle his giggles while the brothers stare at him, their eyes wide. 

"She punched you." Satan's fork bends in his grip.

Levi's eyebrows furrow. "She made you bleed." 

"Why the hell would she do that!?" Mammon growls.

"I deserved it." Yuki shrugs. "I just kissed her out of the blue, no warning."

Asmo is the next to speak out. "She didn't have to call you such an awful thing!"

"Wasn't the first time, wasn't the last." Yuki scoffs. "At least when I transitioned, 'dyke' changed to 'faggot.'"

Beel turns to Belphie. "Those are insults?"

Belphie nods. "Yeah, don't repeat them." 

"Was this common for you, Yuki?" Lucifer asks, keeping his appearance calm.

"Kinda. The names were common, but-" Yuki's face falters for a moment as he finally looks up to see how everyone is staring at him, but he quickly replaces it with a smile that doesn't reach his eyes. "Well, I've just bummed y'all out, haven't I? Sorry, I just- Sometimes I forget that... Never mind. Sorry, I didn't mean to bring down the mood."

"Hey! Don't apologize for that! I want-" Mammon cuts himself off as his cheeks flush. "I mean, I- I'm stuck with you anyway, so no keeping secrets." 

"Do you ever hear yourself, Mammon?" Satan groans. "Now isn't the time for this."

"We're friends, right Yuki?" Levi asks. "Why haven't you said anything before?"

"Why the hell would I?" Yuki snaps, immediately regretting it. "Sorry, I- We should change the subject."

"You can talk to us, Yuki." Beel says.

Belphie agrees. "Yeah, you've dealt with our baggage. It's only fair." 

"Yuki-" Lucifer cuts himself off as Yuki stands suddenly.

"I'm done eating." Yuki picks up his plate and hands it to Beel as he walks past.

"You-" Beel takes the plate and looks up at Yuki. "You don't want more?"

"I'm full." And with that, Yuki leaves.


	2. Benediction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a lot of things the brothers don't know about Yuki

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's tagged but slurs and violence in this chapter (tho it's a nightmare)
> 
> Also sorry the format is drastically different from chapter 1. I have no idea how to format anything on this website

"Oh Yuki! You're such a life saver! Seriously, thank you." A young man, the same age as Yuki, is smiling as he looks over the answers on a page, copying them down in his workbook. 

"It's no problem. I have it done anyway. Just make sure to change the answers enough and do it quickly." Yuki smiles, a soft blush spreads across his cheeks as he watches the other man hastily scribble. 

The man groans as he glares at the empty music staff on his page. "Ugh, when I decided to go for a music minor I didn't think about theory. Why does it have to be so complicated?" 

Yuki shrugs. "You know you can change your minor, right?" 

"Well, yeah- Wait, what does this say?" The man points to one of the written answers. 

"Uh-" Yuki looks at it for a beat. "Decending fifth, I think."

"'You think?'" The man laughs. "Thanks, anyway I already got through the first theory, so I only have one more then I'm done."

Yuki rubs the back of his neck. "I have two more theory classes after this one." 

The man whistles. "I do not envy you."

"Meh, I don't mind it much. Written theory I'll be okay with, it's the ear training stuff I'm worried about."

"You're smart. You'll be fine."

Yuki can feel his face heat up at the compliment. "Tha- I hope so."

"Hey, can you buy lunch again?" The man asks. 

"Oh- uh, yeah." Yuki fiddles with his fingers as the man leans closer to him.

"You're the best!" The man is beaming at Yuki. 

"Actually, I-" Yuki can't help but feel his chest flutter. "You're free this weekend, yeah?"

"You? Wanting to do something on a weekend?" The man smirks. "What, did the art museum get a new exhibit?" 

"Oh no, that was a couple weeks ago. I know it's not your thing, but it was wonderful. There was this-"

The man rolls his eyes. "Yes, I'm free." 

"Oh right! I want- I mean-" Yuki takes a deep breath. "Would you like to have dinner together? Or we could go to the movies if you want or- or-"

The man chuckles. "Are you asking me out, Yuki?"

"I-" Yuki knows his face is bright red. "Yes, yes I am."

"You paying?" 

"Uh- sure. Yeah, I can pay." 

The man takes a moment to think about it and then smiles. "It's a date then."

Yuki has a massive grin for the rest of the day. The cute guy in his class has said yes! Yuki's going to go on a date! He needs to prepare. He's never done this before. He was so ready to be blown off that he didn't know what to do if his friend did accept! But he's not in high school anymore, not in middle school, nor elementary, and he is certainly not at Sunday school. He's so elated that he doesn't complain about the 90 plus degree heat during marching band rehearsal. Once his section leader finds out that Yuki has become a love struck fool, their annoyance for his smile changes into a fond chuckle. When Yuki is back in his dorm, he's going through his closet and panicking. 

Now, he's standing outside his friend's door. He's early, he's always early, but he can wait. He could knock, he's sure his friend wouldn't be upset with him. He has bouquet in his hand, well it's more of a bunch of wild flowers he picked on the way here. Still, it's a sweet gesture, right? Or is it too much? Well, it's too late now. Yuki takes a deep breath. He's about to knock when he hears a voice on the other side. 

"Yeah, I'm gonna be busy today." A beat of silence. "You know the guy who gets me into the cafeteria? Well, now he's paying for dinner." 

Yuki stays quiet. He brings his hand back to his side, not wanting to disrupt the phone call.

"Yes, the nerd." The man groans. "Yeah, I know he's not my type." 

Yuki's grip tightens around the flowers. He knows he isn't anything special. His looks are mediocre, not attractive but not unattractive. Dull. He shouldn't have-

"But he buys me food and basically does my assignments for me. He helps me out a lot."

Yuki's grip loosens. Right. Looks are only a part of it. He's helpful, people like that. Hopefully it's enough to make up for everything else.

"He can be annoying, sure." 

Yuki can feel his shoulders slumping down. 

"And sometimes it's hard to get him to shut up."

There has to be a 'but' or 'yet' coming, there has to. 

"But-"

Yuki sighs in relief. 

"I just have to deal with him a couple more months, maybe get him to buy me some nice things, then dump him after finals. Easy peasy."

The flowers in Yuki's hand become a crumpled mess, and tears bead at the corners of his eyes. He should've known better. He should've saw this coming. People never like him, not like that. When people see him, he's just mediocre, weird, and that's just what they see on the outside. He knows that inside he's much worse, something horrific and disgusting. Everything inside him is wrong. Of course it seeps out, he can't keep it from leaking and staining everything. He can feel it stiring inside him, a darkness that claws and cries within in, the black ooze, the beast. He was used. He was gullible. It screams at him to tear this door down and to do things he knows he'd regret. 

Yuki's tears fall faster. He takes a deep breath in, his entire torso shuddering. He gazes down at the mangled, dying flowers in his hand. The petals shift, the soft pink fades into an empty white. The green steams turn as well, losing all their color. A bright light begins to shine from the edges of the doorframe, it hurts his eyes, burning them. The door opens, pulling him in. He falls through it. His skin feels like it's on fire. He's in the sky, plummeting down, but there is no ground below him. Only clouds. 

"Looks like the fag can't even get a fellow queer to like him." A familiar voice. "You don't belong in Heaven. " 

Yuki slams into the clouds, bumpy, solid, burning white, every bone in his body cries in pain, begging for more. "Good." Yuki chokes out. "Hell's more fun anyway." 

A figure stands above him, a familiar uniform, a familiar face, a familiar wooden bat. "Think your Pop wants that?" 

"He already knows I'm going there." Yuki tries to turn over, tries to get up. The figure stomps his foot into Yuki's chest.

"Smug little shit." The figure spits on him. 

"Well, aren't you kinky." Another kick to the chest. Yuki chuckles and coughs, the sweet taste of iron greets his tongue. Oh, how he misses this. 

"God hates you." The figure kicks Yuki in the face, shattering his glasses. Yes.

"I hate God." 

"I put you in a hospital once. I can do it again, Faggot." More. 

"Go ahead. Call me that again. Please, give me the excuse."

"What? Faggot?" The figure laughs. "Does the faggot want to get his chest beaten in again?" Yuki can't hide anymore. It's crawling out of him. 

"You know I want to kill you." Yuki states with a monotone voice. His head hurts, he can feel something tearing, sharp lumps, horns, grow from his forehead. This is who he really is. 

"You don't have the balls, Tranny." 

"Then I'll just take yours." Everything is a blur. Ripping, crushing, red. The pure pale sky turns red, more and more splotches of red paint the clouds, Yuki's hands, his claws, are stained with such a beautiful, bloody red. The figure is below him, torso torn open, organs ripe and ready. Yuki's hands plunge into the soft flesh, so easily pulled from their crevasses. 

"Please." The figure is begging. "No- Stop!"

The figure's balls pop in his grasp. Yuki laughs. "Those words never stopped you. Why do you think they would stop me?" 

"Demon." The figure can barely speak, his breathing is shallow. 

Tears drown Yuki's cheeks. "Better than being an angel. Better than being like you, Michael." 

Yuki jolts awake, sweat beading all over his body, tears still falling in reality. 

\-- -- -- -- -- --

"You're awake." Belphie smiles softly, hugging a pillow as he steps into the music room. "Got the itch to play some piano in the middle of the night?"

"Oh uh- Yeah." Yuki looks up to him. 

Belphie hums, staring back. "I didn't say you should stop."

Yuki nods and then returns his gaze to the keys below his fingers. His left hand is the first to play, his pinky pressing down C, then Eb and G with his middle finger and thumb. The Eb feels welcoming. His hand repeats the chord in a waltz pattern, playing i, iv, and V chords in no particular order. His right hand follows no thought, simply playing what feels right. Belphie steps closer, looking over Yuki's shoulder as he plays. Yuki flinches, messing up his chord pattern when Belphie puts his hand on the keys to play with him. 

"Sorry." Belphie says quietly. 

"No, it's okay." Yuki mutters. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I-" Belphie pulls his hand back. "I'm surprised you haven't reacted like that sooner."

"Wha-" Yuki raises an eyebrow. "What are you on about." 

Belphie doesn't respond. 

"Belphie-"

"You being scared of me." He says it. 

Yuki looks up, eyes wide and staring at him. "What? Belphie, what are-" Yuki cuts himself off when he realizes what Belphie's talking about. 

"You've been so kind to me. You helped me reconnect with my brothers, never yell at me when I oversleep or act like an asshole, and you-" Belphie takes a deep breath. "I know you aren't scared of demons like you should be, but I- I lied to you... I killed you." 

"And you regret it and have grown from it." Yuki reaches toward Belphie, but Belphie steps back. 

"Yuki, you- I-" Frustration grows on Belphie's face. "You're always nice to me, to everyone, I thought that maybe what I did just didn't bother you because nothing seems to bother you. At least that's what I thought until now. Yes, you would get annoyed or frustrated sometimes, but you never stayed like that for long."

"Belphegor-"

"I shouldn't have made that assumption. You don't have to pretend to be okay with me."

"Belphie," Yuki stands suddenly, knocking the bench he was sitting on to the floor, and pulls Belphie into a hug. "I didn't mean to make you feel like that. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize." Belphie wants to hug him back. "I killed you. You were dead, you were a fucking corpse."

Yuki holds Belphie tighter, nuzzling his face into Belphie's chest. "You were hurt."

"But you aren't the one who hurt me." Belphie lets go of his pillow, letting it fall to the floor, and softly wraps his arms around Yuki. "I shouldn't have done that to you."

"See? That's why I'm not scared of you. Like I said, you regret what you did and have grown from it." Yuki tries to reassure him. "And I mean, I've been through worse." 

"You... What?" Belphie freezes, gripping Yuki's shirt tightly. "I killed you. How could you have been through worse?"

Yuki shrugs. "I knew you were angry and dangerous, but I still hugged you knowing that. That's on me. What you did did hurt a bit, but I passed out pretty quickly, so the pain didn't last long. It's not like you came out of no where and put me in the hospital for a week." 

"Yuki, you-" Belphie pulls Yuki closer to him. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." 

"It's okay." Yuki mumbles. "What you did wasn't the first time I died technically, and it hurt a lot less too."

"You've died before?" Belphie asks. 

"Clinically dead for a little while, but I got to the ER and turned out fine." Yuki pats Belphie's back. "What you did doesn't cut close, and I don't hold it against you."

"You forgive way too easily." Belphie can feel tears beading at the edges of his eyes. 

"Hard to forgive someone when you weren't upset at them in the first place, and in all honesty..." Yuki pauses and pulls his face away to gaze up at Belphie. "I felt like I was looking in a mirror in a way."

"'A mirror?'" Belphie repeats the phrase. 

"I saw part of myself in you during that moment. You were full of rage and hatred, suffering all alone." Yuki reaches up and brushes Belphie's hair out of his face with one hand, the other wipes away a falling tear. "I was never scared of you, Belphie. I wanted to help you, to comfort you, to do something because I saw my younger self in you. Depression turns into anger and then all you want to do is lash out at anything that reminds you of what hurt you. Then you do things you can't take back, be it words or actions. Nothing is the same after that. It's an awful feeling, and, to go through it alone... I didn't want that for you."

Warmth and worry bloom in Belphie's chest. "Yuki, you..." He chuckles softly. "Part of me finds it hard to believe you could ever be that angry, but another part of me thinks of course you have... If you ever need to talk to someone, I'm here."

"I'll be fine. That was a long time ago." 

"Yuki..." 

"It wasn't as bad as it sounds. I don't know why I said all that. But I'm okay now, so don't worry." The human gives a forced smile and gestures to the piano. "Want to try again?"

Belphie hesitates but then nods. "Yeah."

Yuki picks the bench up and puts it back where it belongs. Belphie sits with him, watching where Yuki places his fingers. Yuki sets his fingers on white keys, deciding that A minor would be easier for Belphie, and begins to play, arpeggiating different chords for the bass. Belphie watches his hands for a moment before joining him, trying out different ideas for an unending melody. The two of them sit like this, shoulder to shoulder, creating a song together. 

\-- -- -- -- -- -- - --

Yuki yawns, rubbing one of his eyes as he wakes up, Belphie's arms are gently wrapped around him. Yuki stretches and then wiggles his way out of Belphie's grasp. When he hears a growling, he looks over to Beel's occupied bed. That sounded too quiet for Beel... Yuki hears it again. Ah, that's his own stomach. Yuki quickly puts on his glasses and makes his way to the kitchen, hoping his outburst from the other day hasn't bothered the rest of the brothers like it did for Belphie. Yuki can try to pretend nothing happened, but he knows he can't ignore reality. He just needs to avoid it, not let himself rant like that again. Self-control, just simple self-control. Handle the headache. It's his problem, he won't drag other people into it. He won't be a burden again. 

Yuki barely realizes he's staring into an empty fridge. He snaps out of his trance when he hears an exasperated sigh behind him. Yuki turns his head, looking over his shoulder. "Hm? Oh. Morning, Satan."

Satan groans. "Of course, Beel had his annual midnight snack."

Yuki shrugs. "Opening the fridge was worth a shot at least."

"And I was planning to make something for breakfast." Satan places his hand on his chin. "I guess I could order takeout, though it isn't too late to go to the store."

"I wanna make toast." Yuki thinks for a beat. "Cinnamon eggs and french toast, or maybe cinnamon rolls. I need something cinnamon."

Satan chuckles. "Store it is then."

Yuki excuses himself to get changed and brush his teeth before the two of them head out. Most of the household is asleep. He probably doesn't need to, but Yuki makes sure to try to be at least somewhat quiet. He may have permission to practice and play in the music room whenever he wants, but he doesn't want to intrude anywhere else. Speaking of the music room, he's right next to it. He could pop in and grab an instrument to go... But when would he play it? Looks like he'll just have to wait until later. Satan greets him and they head to a store. The two walk in comfortable silence. Yuki, honestly, isn't even paying attention to where they're going or what store Satan's decided on. He's just admiring his surroundings. The sparse trees on this street have turned into a beautiful range of warm colors as the temperature has turned colder.

The sky is dark every hour of the day Devildom, but every morning Yuki hears chirps and warbles from birds big and small, all songs he's never heard in the human world. They used to sound so strange to him, but now they just sound like home. He's been able to figure what birds sing some of the melodies. There's a bird that reminds him of a blue jay except it has no white and the the blue is instead a rich, dark violet. This bird's song reminds Yuki of a trilling clarinet. Then there's the bird that is small, round, and fat like a cardinal, but it's not a deep red or vibrant yellow. Well, it has some red at the tip of its head crest, wings, and tail feathers, but the bird is mostly white. This bird hits high notes easily, loving glissandos traveling between octaves. There are two birds that are nesting on House of Lamentation's roof that are his favorite. They appear to be a couple of doves that are very much in love. He thinks they're doves, they seem to be similar to bleeding heart doves at least, with that dark red spot on both of their chests, but there are no other markings, the rest of their feathers are a brilliant dark gray. Their cooing is technically not a song, but it's cute anyway. A sudden collection of peeps, catches Yuki attention, snapping him out of his thoughts. Satan turns to Yuki, the beginnings of a sentence turn to silence as he realizes Yuki isn't next to him. Yuki is halfway down a ditch. 

"Yuki?" Satan's panic shifts to confusion. 

"Is there a nest in that tree?" Yuki asks, crouching as he digs a handkerchief from his pocket. 

Satan raises an eyebrow. "A nest?" He takes a moment to study the tree only a couple feet away from them. "There is a nest. Why-" Satan cuts himself off when he sees what's in Yuki's hands. 

A small baby bird, thinly feathered, is loosely wrapped in a handkerchief and held gently in Yuki's palms. "Come on, Sweetie. Let's get you back home."

Satan's face softens and a small smile spreads across his lips. "Let me help you." 

"Thanks." Yuki shifts the bird to one hand and lets his open, as if he's ready for a hug. "Can you lift me up there?" 

Satan hesitates for a moment then awkwardly tries to find a way he can lift Yuki without touching anywhere inappropriate.

"Satan, just-" Yuki places his free hand on Satan's shoulder. "Do a squat and lift. If you have to grab my ass, grab it. I don't care where you touch me as long as you don't drop me."

A light pink warms Satan's face. "Are you sure you should be saying that to a demon?"

"I couldn't care less about that. Honestly, trust you more than I do most humans." Yuki sighs. "Now are you gonna lift me or what?"

While it's still done awkwardly, Satan wraps his arms around Yuki and lifts, one arm holding the back of Yuki's thighs close to his body while his other keeps Yuki's back stable. 

"Alright, time to go home, Sweetie." Yuki looks into the nest. Two small chicks, the same size as the baby in his palm, open their beaks and chirp repeatedly. "Sorry, I don't have food for you. I got your sibling though." He delicately nudges the chick off of his handkerchief and into the nest. "Now Sweetie, don't go falling out of your nest again, okay? And the rest of you, watch your sibling!" 

Satan can't help but chuckle at Yuki's words. "Ready to come down?"

"Yeah, thanks again."

Satan sets Yuki down gently. "You really are an angel."

The smile on Yuki's face vanishes for a moment, jaw tightening. "Don't call me that." His eyes widen when he realizes what he's just said. He forces his face to relax. "I mean, it's inaccurate. I'm a human."

Satan stares at Yuki, studying him. "You always do that."

Yuki raises an eyebrow. "What?"

"I am well aware you are a human. You are also not Henry nor are you a cat, yet you have no problem being compared to them." Satan crosses his arms. "There is clearly another reason."

"Nothing's wrong. I'm fine, It's just..." Yuki takes a moment to think about his words. "It's weird, awkward."

"If it's because you know actual angels, don't worry. Simeon and Luke-"

"Can we drop this?" Yuki cuts Satan off.

Satan stares at Yuki, silent for a beat. "Yuki..."

"It makes me uncomfortable, okay?" Yuki rubs his arm. "To me it's not a compliment."

"Don't humans prefer angels to demons on average, especially where you are from?"

A pitiful chuckle escapes Yuki. "On average, yeah."

"If you don't tell me-" Satan takes in a deep breath. "I won't force you, but I don't understand."

"To me..." Yuki hesitates. "I didn't see angels as the good guys when growing up, even though everyone told me they were, and it just stuck."

Satan's face softens. "I won't push it further. I'm sorry that I ruined the mood." Satan offers his hand. "Let's get going."

Yuki nods and takes Satan's hand in his. "It's okay. It's a me problem, not a you problem."


	3. All-Powerful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuki may be strong, but there's always something stronger. Something calls him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings still apply. This chapter does have some minor hints to violent thoughts and talks about dealing with death and trauma, but we getting into trauma from other characters too

Fwip. 

Yuki stares down at the metal in his hand. 

Fwip. 

The blade looks like a rainbow. 

Fwip. 

He puts it back in its handle. 

Fwip. 

The blade is out again. 

Fwip. 

Yuki has never used it.

Fwip. 

Not on anything living at least. 

Fwip. 

But that doesn't mean he hasn't thought about it. 

"Yuki! You shouldn't play with knives!" 

Yuki practically jumps at the sudden screech, almost dropping his knife onto the stone beneath him. 

"What if you cut yourself?" Luke pouts as he glares. 

"Well, I'm more likely to cut myself if I get yelled at while I'm holding anything sharp." Yuki closes the pocket knife and puts it back in his uniform jacket. 

"It makes sense Yuki would have one. He is a human in Devildom, Luke, though I'm not sure how useful it will be against a demon." Simeon stands behind the small angel, smiling. 

"But that doesn't mean he should play with it!" A whine escapes from Luke. 

Yuki shrugs in response. "I was bored, and it's not like I'm out here stabbing people in the courtyard."

"I know you'd never do that." Luke says. "But if any demon attacks, I'll protect you!" Simeon chuckles at that comment.

Yuki stares at Luke and sighs. "Thanks, but I'll be fine. I got plenty of demons to protect me."

"But you can't trust them!" Luke argues. "You can never trust a demon."

Simeon's eyebrows furrow slightly. "Luke, you sh-"

"So I can inherently trust angels while every demon wants to kill me, huh? That's just bullshit." Yuki's eyes widen (as does Luke's and Simeon's) when he realizes what just left his mouth. "Sorry, I didn't mean to say that. That was harsh." He sighs. "I've been in a mood lately, sorry."

"You care for Lucifer and his brothers; you've been protective of them before." Simeon reassures him. "You shouldn't apologize for that." 

"Still, be careful around them." Luke doesn't look Yuki in the eyes. "I know they're your friends, but they can still hurt you." 

"Everyone can hurt me, Luke. I'll be fine." Yuki pats the small angel's head. "Having to worry about being eaten by a demon is honestly a lot less stressful than you think. This ain't my first rodeo." 

Luke pouts but doesn't say anything. Simeon smiles as he watches Yuki ruffle the boy's hair. 

"Oh Yuki! There you are, Darling." Asmo calls to him, waving as he trots over to the trio. "A new collection I worked on has come out today and I cannot wait to see how they look on me. I also designed some special pieces for you too!"

"So that's why you wanted me to clear this evening." Yuki says. 

"Excuse me, Simeon, Luke." Asmo intertwines his arm with Yuki's. "I'm stealing my darling away." He drags Yuki along while Yuki waves goodbye to the two. 

No matter how many times Yuki has stepped into Majolish, he still feels intimidated by it. Mannequins line the entrance windows and are strewn about the store, all in outfits Yuki would never dream of wearing. So many different materials, some incredibly thin and sheer and some incredibly thick with fur. Some pieces barely hid non-existent genitals while others had layer upon layer that showed very little metallic skin at all. With how often Asmo visits, he greets the clerks by name easily and pulls Yuki into the usual private fitting rooms in the back. Yuki sits and waits on a soft plush bench as Asmo pops in and out, bringing in more and more clothes to try on. 

"I don't want to be rude, but please tell me that's the last mound of clothing you're bringing in." Yuki says as he helps Asmo hang up different articles onto clothing racks. 

Asmo thinks for a moment as he looks over the clothes he brought. "This should be everything from the newest collections, but I saw some cute accessories I wanted to try. We can check those out later though." 

Yuki sighs in relief and starts unbuttoning his uniform. "Okay Asmo, I'm all yours for the next couple of hours. What do you want to see me in first?" 

Asmo beams. "I know just what to start with." 

Outfit after outfit is put on Yuki, sometimes different articles are switched and sometimes Yuki is stripped and the outfit is completely replaced. Asmo loves putting Yuki in white, but Yuki loves colorful pastels; so Asmo designed clothes that mixed the two. White pants with a pink flower pattern, a baby blue shirt with long lantern sleeves that have white lining, a lavender sweater covered in white music symbols, a mint green jacket covered in adorable white butterflies. While the designs overall are quite modest, Asmo snuck in holes here and there to show bits of skin, though it's not too much that it makes Yuki uncomfortable. Some tops show off Yuki's shoulders, one pair of pants have loose slits that show off parts of his legs. Though, the most common bit of skin shown through out all of the pieces is Yuki's back, from the base of his neck to just above his tail bone. Yuki knows that, before he came to Devildom, he never would have worn something so revealing, but now, he feels a bit more comfortable even though he still feels a bit nervous about it. 

He turns his back to the mirror, looking over his shoulder, and smiles. Sigils line his spine, each one belonging to one of the brothers. Demonic symbols (some incredibly familiar to Yuki even before they painted his skin) bordered by two circles with the names of each brother mark the outer ring. They're all a deep black, completely absent of any hue, but there's a shimmer of color when the light hits the pitch just right with each sigil shinning with the color of the demon they represent. Yuki's smile widens as he looks over the markings. He does his best to never frown when he sees himself in the mirror; he fails all the time, but, when he sees the sigils on his back, on his body, he can't stop himself from grinning. Apparently, it's the same for Asmo, who's wearing a whimsical smile. A soft hand runs up Yuki's back and moves back down, settling on the sigil in the middle, Asmo's mark. The sigil glows under his touch.

Yuki's eyes widen. "They glow?"

Asmo giggles. "You didn't know? Maybe I should touch you more, Darling."

"That's badass. And do what you want; I don't mind really." 

"Oh~" Asmo's voice turn sultry for a moment. "If you say that I may never keep my hands off of you." 

Yuki looks over the outfit on him. "You know, I never thought I'd be able to wear a turtleneck, but I think it doesn't look too bad on me. Though, I'm not sure about it being sleeveless, and do you think it should be looser?"

"Oh Darling, it hugs you just right. I know you don't like it too tight, but all your loose clothing hides your figure."

"That's the whole point though. No one wants to see that."

"Oh hush, I know plenty of demons who would love to see you in less."

"Well yeah, plenty of demons want to eat me. I bet clothing just gets stuck in your teeth."

Asmo looks at Yuki for a moment and then bursts into a fit of giggles. "Oh Honey, is that what you think?"

"What else am I supposed to think?"

Asmo runs a finger down Yuki's spine. "That you're adorable and people want to look at your beauty. I know I feel blessed whenever I get to see you in the buff."

This time Yuki bursts into a fit of giggles. "That's sweet of you to say, but I know my nude body is only good for figure drawing practice."

"Oh, Darling, you're too humble." Asmo touch lingers before he pulls away. "You are adorable, almost as much as me, and I know you will turn heads as soon as you walk out in public wearing this."

"I don't know about that, but I do have to agree this is a cute outfit." Yuki gives himself another once over. "I think it would look nice with a jacket though."

Asmo thinks for a moment. "You're absolutely right, and I know just the one."

\-- -- -- -- -- 

Yuki shoots up in his bed, sweat beading on his forehead. Tears are streaming down his face, his throat is sore. Yuki sighs, disappointed in himself. He falls back on his mattress and stares at the ceiling. He closes his eyes, trying to will himself to sleep, but the black ooze is seeping into him. Warm. Inviting. Beastly. He can't go back. Yuki sits up again, shaking. He needs something to drink. He heads to the kitchen, walking much faster than he needs to. Still, it takes him too long for him to grab a glass and fill it with water. He downs it, not taking a breath until he finishes it all. His throat still hurts but less so now. He sets the cup in the sink and stares down at the metal below him. He takes a deep breath in, counting in his head, and breaths out. This is the real world. They don't know. 

Yuki decides to take a walk, well pace would be a better word, around the House of Lamentation. He can't go back to his bed, not right now. Apparently, Yuki wasn't the only one struggling with nightmares tonight. A sudden noise form Beel's and Belphie's room catches Yuki's attention; he stops in his tracks. There's the noise again. Yuki steps closer, debating if he should knock or enter. He puts his ear to the door; that isn't Beel's stomach. Yuki lightly knocks. No response, but he hears that noise again. He knocks again and enters, closing the door quietly behind him. Belphie is fast asleep, but Beel... Beel turns on his side, his leg kicks out from under the covers, his brow is furrowed. Yuki is by his side in mere moments. 

"Beel." Yuki places his hand on the demon's shoulder, shaking him gently. "Beelzebub, Sweetie, wake up. You're having a nightmare."

Beel's eyes are still shut closed, but he mutters something Yuki can't make out.

"It's a dream. It isn't real." 

Tears threaten to escape Beel; he mutters the same words again, but this time Yuki can understand him. "Lilith, I'm sorry." He whispers

"Beel, Sweetie, you did everything you could. It isn't your fault." Yuki shakes him again, harder. "Follow my voice, Beel. Wake up. Please, wake up."

Beel's eyes snap open. "Lilith." He gasps, head swiveling as he tries to find her. 

"Beel, look at me." Yuki takes the demon's head in his hands, his palms on either cheek. "You were having a nightmare."

Finally, the tears escape Beel, cascading down the demon's cheeks. "Yuki?"

"Breath with me, Beel." Yuki rests his forehead against the demon's. "In, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and out, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8." Yuki repeats this multiple times, waiting for Beel's breath to match his own. "You're in your bed, you're bedroom. You're safe, everyone is safe."

"Yuki." Beel chokes out.

"It's okay, Sweetie. You're okay."

Beel pulls Yuki into his arms, nestling his head into the crook of Yuki's neck.

"You can cry." Yuki returns the embrace. "I'm here for you. Cry all you need." Beel cries, sobbing into Yuki's shoulder, pulling the human flush against him. Yuki hugs him in return, one hand rubbing circles into the demon's back while the other plays with short orange hair. Yuki begins to hum. He isn't sure what key he's in, but he knows it's a minor key. He always defaults to a minor key, harmonic minor to be exact. It feels like home to him. He hopes it can feel like home for Beel. When Beel finally pulls away, his eyes are puffy and red.

"I'm sorry." He mumbles. 

"No." Yuki reaches out; his thumb wipes away a stray tear. "Don't apologize. I'm glad I could help wake you from that."

Beel stares at Yuki, silent for a moment before mumbling, "Thank you."

Yuki leans in closer to Beel and places a soft kiss on his forehead. "You're an amazing person, Beel. You're strong, incredibly strong, and you are also incredibly kind, always looking out for your brothers, looking out for me. You always do you best; you do everything you can for those you love. What happened wasn't you fault, Beel. You can't change what happened."

Beel's shoulders sink and tears begin to fall again. 

"But, you can grow from it. You have already grown so much, picking up the broken pieces that fell off and putting yourself back together. You didn't just do that for yourself, but you helped your brothers as well. Lilith got to be with the love of her life and lived that life smiling. I know it hurts that you weren't there to see it, but she did. And I know she's thankful for everything you've done, and I know she's proud of you. Lilith loves you, Beel. She wants you to keep living your life, smiling too. I know that isn't always possible, but she doesn't want you to blame yourself for what happened. When you think of her, I know she wants you to remember all the happy times you spent together, not the sad way you parted. Whenever you love someone, there is always the risk of losing them, but love is worth it."

The tears fall faster. "But it hurts, Yuki. It hurts so much." Beel murmurs. 

"But isn't that beautiful? The fact you can love someone so much that it hurts when they're gone? Even when we lose someone, we still love them, and I know you will never regret loving your sister."

Beel nods. 

"Cherish that hole in your heart, because that hole means you love her, that means she means so much to you. Yes, that hole hurts, but it's better to have love and loss to have never loved at all. You can't change the past. I'm not saying to forget it, but you can't let it blind you from here and now."

"But I couldn't protect her." Beel snuggles his face into Yuki's palm. "What if I can't protect my brothers, what if I can't protect you?"

Yuki doesn't know what to say, but he speaks anyway. "Beel, Sweetie-"

"We can take care of ourselves." A weight is suddenly added to the mattress as Belphie sits on it. "But we do appreciate you looking out for us, but know we worry about you too."

"Belphie?" Beel mutters. "Did I wake you up?"

"It's fine. I'm glad Yuki woke you from that nightmare." Belphie pats Beel's back. 

"We care about you, Beel." Yuki hugs Beel again. "We want to protect you too. We love you."

Beel wants to say something, but he doesn't. 

"Hey, want to head to the kitchen? Get something to eat?" Belphie asks. 

Beel nods. The three of them end up there, Beel half way in the fridge, Yuki leaning against the counter, Belphie was sitting on the table but it didn't take long for him to pass out on it. When Beel pops his head out of the fridge, Yuki reaches up and wipes crumbs of the demon's face. 

Beel flushes and giggles. "Thank you for helping me tonight."

"I'm glad I was there to help." Yuki reaches up at pats his head. "I know you want to protect your family, but your family also wants to protect you. I may not be a super powerful demon, but I can at least try to protect you from your mind when I can."

"'Protect me from my mind?'" Beel repeats those words. 

"A person's mind is honestly one of the things that can hurt someone the most. It always starts with a thought, that one seed can grow into something that can hurt them in unseen ways. It's so easy for the mind to spiral out of control and you need a kick in the ass sometimes to come back to reality." Yuki closes the fridge door and gestures to Belphie. "Can you carry Belphie back to bed? We should get you back as well."

Beel nods and tosses his brother, who is still asleep the entire time, over his shoulder. "Yuki, will you tell me when your mind hurts you?"

Yuki's eyes widen, he hesitates in answering. "I can handle myself, Beel."

"Yuki..."

"But, if I can't handle it for some reason, I'll come to you. Okay?" Yuki pats Beel's shoulder. "Now let's get you to bed."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slowly the brothers are starting to see Yuki's mind


	4. Penance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuki spends some time with Levi and Mammon. Both learn things about Yuki. 
> 
> Trigger warnings: Mention of suicidal thoughts and hints to religious trauma (I know I put trigger warnings in the tags but still)
> 
> (God my music nerdness is more and more evident as I write)

"Levi, Sweetie, come on." Yuki gives Levi's head a pat. "Sometimes you get outbid and you don't get that special figure. It's not the end of the world."

The demon pouts and curls into his tub, crossing his arms. "But it might as well be! That wasn't just any special figure! That was an anniversary edition Henry and The Lord of Shadows figure that had a limited run!" 

"How about we watch something or play a game?" Yuki tugs on Levi's arm. "Distract yourself from it for a bit."

"How could I distract myself!" Levi turns away from the human. "How can I do anything when I know Henry and The Lord of Shadow belong in my case but their spot is empty! Not like you'd understand, you're just a normie. You're not a gross useless otaku like me."

"Hey, you're not gross or useless." 

"You don't have to lie to me, Normie. You're just being nice, you're always nice, and smart, and sweet, and everyone likes everything about you. There's no way you'd understand what it's like to be a disgusting otaku like me."

Yuki sighs. "You're the one lying, Levi, not me. I may not completely understand your pain right now, but I know you're not disgusting. You're an amazing person, strong, dedicated, passionate, and down right adorable. You have so many good qualities you don't see." 

Levi hides his flushed face into his Azuki-tan pillow. "You're just saying that." He mumbles into the fabric. 

"I'm not." Yuki gives Levi's head a pat. "Plus, there are scores of people who hate me. Trust me, if you knew everything about me you-" Yuki cuts himself off when he realizes what he was about to say. 

Levi turns toward Yuki, not hearing the last bits of Yuki's sentence. "There's no way anyone would hate you. Stop lying."

"You don't understand humans then." Yuki chuckles softly. "There's always gonna be people who want me dead, but that's just how it is. I mean, I got a big strong demon like you to protect me, so I don't have to worry about it."

Levi hides his face behind the plush again. "I said stop lying!" He whines. 

"Levi-" 

"Everyone loves a normie like you! There's no way you would understand the pain of an otaku, and a shit excuse of an otaku at that!"

"Goddammit, Levi! Scoot over!" Yuki starts crawling into the tub.

"W-what?!" The demon squeaks. "What are you doing?!"

"If you're gonna have a pity party, then I'm gonna cuddle you until you feel better. Make some space."

"Y-you can't just-"

"Don't act like you don't like cuddling, Levi. You have literally asked to use my lap as a pillow before."

Levi's face turns a darker shade of pink, stuttering over his words. "I- But I-"

Having lost his patience, Yuki squeezes himself by Levi's side and looks the demon in the eye. "You are an amazing otaku and an amazing person. You are dedicated to what you love and know such a vast amount of information about things that you care about. You are incredibly skilled at everything you set you mind to and I enjoy being around you. So no more calling yourself gross, or useless, or anything else like that."

"But-"

"No buts!" Yuki puts his finger to Levi's lips, sushing him (and making the poor demon blush harder.) "I care about you, Levi. Even if I don't understand completely, I want to be there for you."

"Waaaaah!" Levi whines and hides his face again. "You really are a perfect angel." 

Yuki groans at his comment. "I am not perfect, nor am I an angel. I am a flawed human being." 

"But you're so kind and everyone likes you."

"Why do you keep saying everyone likes me?"

"W-well, you- Everyone does, so-"

"Levi, I am not some 'perfect angel' whom 'everyone likes.'" Yuki gives an exasperated sighs and continues running his mouth without thinking. "I've been in rooms full of people, strangers, peers, and even family, who saw me and still see me as disgusting and unholy. There were people who thought and still think I deserved everything I went through and even deserved worse than that, so no, everyone doesn't like me, Levi. In fact, there will always be more people who hate me than like me." 

Levi is silent, staring wide eyed, at Yuki. 

Yuki sighs and rubs his temple. "Fuck, I went on a tangent. Sorry, just forget it. It's not important anyway." 

"You really think people hate you?" Levi asks. 

"It's fine; I'm fine now. I don't have to deal with it anymore." Yuki fails to plaster a smile on his face. 

"There's no way anyone could hate you."

"Look, we can drop this. We're not here to talk about me."

Worry doesn't leave Levi's face. He hesitates before speaking. "Hey, I got a new game recently. I already beat it, but you can play it. I think you'll like it." 

Yuki relaxes. "Yeah. Yeah, we should do that." 

The two of them pull themselves from the tub, and Levi quickly gets starts the game on the console. By the time Yuki has a controller in his hand, Levi is giving him pointers and tips and Yuki goes through the first couple of levels. Like always, Yuki picks up the game quickly. It doesn't take him long to understand the core mechanics, but he spends most of his time wandering around the different stages. Levi points out different story secrets and rare items, which Yuki thanks him for each time. Before Yuki can struggle with figuring out how to defeat a boss, Levi explains the strategy, which, again, Yuki thanks him for. Though, even with Levi's constant help, Yuki makes dumb mistakes and watches his character die once again. 

Yuki sighs as he sees the 'Game Over' screen again. "How long is this game?"

"Only about 30 hours for the main story." Levi responds nonchalantly. 

Yuki swivels his head to stare at the demon. "'Only 30?' Jesus, do I want to know how long it takes to 100% the game?"

"On average about 50 hours, but I was able to 100% it in a little over 40."

"Damn, that's impressive. I mean, it's a fun game, but I don't think I can dedicate all that time. You really are something else, Levi." Yuki hands the controller to the demon. "I'll probably watch the rest of the cutscenes later."

"Ugh!" Levi pouts. "You can't just watch the cutscenes and expect to get the whole story!"

Yuki shrugs. "I can get most of it, but, if you're insistent, I don't mind watching you play later."

"Later? Well, what are you going to do now?"

"Play some Project Diva. Wanna take turns?" Yuki asks.

Levi perks up. "Person with the lowest score has to do what the winner's chores this week!"

\-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

"'Ey, Human! Ya in here?" Mammon slams the door to the music room open and sees Yuki lying face up on the floor with a guitar in his arms. "Yuki? Ya good?" Mammon asks.

Yuki turns his head to face the demon. "Yeah, I'm alright."

"Are ya?" Mammon strides up to the human and stares down at him. "Aren't ya supposed to play your guitar and not use it as a blanket?"

Yuki giggles at the comment. "I was playing it earlier, just got stuck in my head for a bit. Did you need something from me?"

"I- Not really, I just..." Mammon rubs the back of his neck. "Ya weren't in your room and it's too late for you to still be at RAD, so, ya know. I didn't hear any music; didn't know if ya were in here or not."

"Oh, sorry for making you worry." 

"I wasn't worried, The Great Mammon would never worry about a dumb human! I just, ya not busy, are ya?"

Yuki thinks for a moment before speaking. "Nah, not really. Could work on some assignments, but everything I have left isn't due until next week."

"Nerd." Mammon scoffs and sits on the floor by the human.

"Astute observation." Yuki chuckles softly, not quite forced but not quite natural either. "I'd love to hang out with you, if that's what you're hinting at."

"I'm guessing I can't convince ya to hit the streets with me?"

"It's a school night, Mammon. I go to bed in two hours." Yuki picks at a line of notes as he speaks. F, E, F, D. "So, not tonight. You should try to get a full night's rest too."

"Speaking of, are ya..." Mammon hesitates. "Are ya sleeping okay?"

Yuki's eyes widen, just for a moment, and then he sighs. "I'm fine. There's nothing wrong." He plays more; E, C, D, D.

"Ya sure? I heard ya playing in here the other night, it was something like 2 am. That wasn't the first time either."

"That's normal for me. It helps calm me down after a nightmare." F, F, G, F, E, D, C.

"Do ya have nightmares a lot?" Mammon asks. 

"That's not something you need to worry about." E, F, E, D. 

"But I do worry!" Mammon blushes and tries to backpedal. "I mean I don't worry worry, it's just- As your first it's my responsibility, and I..."

Yuki stops strumming the guitar. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."

"If you're sorry about it then talk to me!" Mammon grumbles. "I thought we didn't keep secrets from each other. I just- You're always there for everyone and at least try to save my ass whenever you can, but I've barely done shit for you."

"You've done plenty for me, Mammon. You help me with homework, you take me out to have fun; for fuck's sake, Mammon, you've saved my life before." Yuki shuts his mouth when he hears himself say those words.

"I- What?" The demon stares at Yuki. "I mean, of course I have, but maybe you should remind me."

"It's not a big deal anyway."

"Aw come on, Yuki!" Mammon whines. "Ya can't just say something like that and expect me to let it go?"

"You really want me to tell you?" Yuki asks.

"Yes!"

Yuki hesitates but nods. "When Diavolo took Belphie and I ran away with Beel, I-" He shouldn't say it, but, against his better judgement, he continues. "I thought I ruined everything, that I hurt everyone I cared about, I wanted to..." He falls silent.

"What, Yuki? You wanted to what?"

"I was planning to see Lucifer, but I wasn't- When I went to see you, I was planning to say goodbye." 

"'Goodbye?' Why the hell were ya gonna do that? Where ya gonna just leave the Devildom? What does this have to do with saving ya?"

"Fucking- Let me finish, Mammon." Yuki sighs and sits up. Gaining what courage he could, he looks the demon in the eyes. "I was planning to make the rounds with everyone, so I could see them one last time before I let Lucifer kill me. I went to you, and, when you refused to talk to me at first, I- I was sure I was doing the right thing, but something in me needed to talk to you before I died. I needed you to know I was sorry. But, when you finally spoke to me, you weren't mad for the reasons I thought. You thought I didn't care about you and that I used you. I realized you still cared about me, still care about me, and I couldn't hurt you again. I couldn't let myself die and tear up your family more. I had to fix the mess I made, to right my wrongs. I was ready to die, but you snapped me out of it."

Mammon stares, silent as he takes in Yuki's words. 

"You saved me that day, Mammon." Yuki pulls the guitar strap off of him and sets the instrument to the side. "I'm still alive because of you."

"Ya wanted to die?" 

"Yeah, I did." Yuki sighs.

"Yuki..." 

"I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing!" Mammon grumbles again.

"But you're upset because of me." 

"Of course I am! Why didn't you tell me before? Have ya told anyone about this?" Mammon doesn't know what to think. "Ya always so optimistic, you're also anxious sure, but ya ain't the type to give up or just lay down and take it. How the fuck could ya want to die?"

"Everyone does at some point or another." Yuki shrugs. "I'm not special for it."

"Yuki, do ya hear yourself?" 

"Are you saying you haven't? I'd be surprised, honestly."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Mammon groans.

"You've lived longer than I have, dealt with worse things than I have." Yuki states bluntly. "There is a point in everyone's life where death seems like the better option. Some choose it, some don't. So far, I've always chose life, and I plan to keep choosing life, and-" Yuki's voice turns soft as he gazes at Mammon. "I hope you keep choosing life too."

"What?" Mammon raises an eyebrow. "Of course I will. Why wouldn't I?"

"I don't know, but I do know that I'm happy you're alive, that you exist. I'm happy you're in my life, Mammon. You've made choosing to live a whole lot easier."

"Aw fuck, Yuki! Ya can't just say shit like that!" Mammon turns away, trying to hide his blushing face. "Getting all sad and then fucking making it all sweet! What the hell is wrong with ya?"

"A lot of things, and there's a of things wrong with you too. That's one thing I love about you and your family, all fucked up in their own ways, yet everyone really loves each other." A small smile spreads on Yuki's lips. "I actually feel at home when I'm here with y'all. I can actually relax and worry a lot less about everything, so don't worry about what I said before."

Mammon's face is bright red. He reaches out to Yuki and falters, but Yuki just chuckles at him and pull him into a hug. "You promise to tell me if you ever have those thoughts again?" Mammon asks

"Yeah." Yuki's hold tightens. He hopes he's telling the truth. "Yeah, I can do that."


End file.
